And it continues.

Let us continue where we left off, leaving the porno-theatrical performance and venture forth to a different brand of craziness.

We head out to Ken's girlfriend's bar. She's the owner/operater/mama-san of a hostess bar that only employs the most beautiful women or L's mistresses. Often they're one and the same. Though, this apparently causes scheduling problems, and any two of them can't work there at the same time.

Ken's girlfriend is Aya. She doesn't speak much English, but Ken's been teaching her little by little. The first thing she ever learned was "Fuck you, Asshole," which she pronounces quite well. Her vocabulary expanded from there. Really fun person. So, at the table is L, Cut, Aya, two hostesses named Chika and Rei, and myself. We learn at this point that Ken cannot come due to work.

At this point let me tell you a little about Ken. ken is half american, half japanese, lived all his life in Japan. He's built like a goddamn brick house. He is a massive human being, 115 kilos of pure
muscle. He claims that his job involves collecting electronics and selling them to China. Yeah... that in and of itself is pretty damn shady, but doing this until 1 in the morning? Hmmm...

Regardless, really fun guy, real nice guy, and he has a new passion for mixed martial arts. Apparently, about six months ago, he decided he was going to try to take it up. He's been training for six months. During that training, he has competed in 6 amateur fights and one... I dunno... semi-professional? Anyway, Aya has all his bouts on DVD. She put them on the TV, and we watched them. Every single one was won by knock out. None lasted longer then 30 seconds. I have never seen someone destroy a human being like Ken can. I honestly believe that one of his opponents is now dead. Or crippled. but probably dead. I decided then and there that, though Aya may be one of the hottest women I've met in recent memory, I will under no circumstances even make it appear like I'm hitting on her.

The rest of the night continues as usual when I hang out with the unsavory sort that was present. Lots of dick and sex jokes, more inquires over my masturbation habits then I care to say (or answer), and L shouting pussy about once every two minutes. Somehow I found myself standing on the table singing Eminem's "Lose Yourself" to a wildly cheering crowd. The one girl, Rei, it was discovered loves origami. I thought this was a little weird, and asked if she regularly folds origami. She says every day. I ask her if she could make something for me. Out comes a giant stack of origami papers. For the next 2 hours, Rei says nothing, looks at no one, does nothing but crank out origami after origami. There were mounds of god only knows what strewn all over the table. It was impressive. It was also a little creepy.

As the night starts coming to a close, about 2 am, my two new "brothers" as they insist I call them decide to leave. Since they were my ride, I make to call a taxi, when Aya demands that I allow her to take me home. I see Ken killing people. I decline. She insists. I see flashes of blood on Ken's fist. I decline. She refuses to take no for an answer, takes my hand, takes Rei's hand, and out the bar and into a van we go. I have no idea who this old guy driving the van was. The entire van was outfitted with that shag carpetting. there were no seats in the back. I could tell that this van had gotten a lot of usage, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, you sick bastard. Thankfully/unfortuantely, we arrived at my hotel without incident except for me getting Rei's phone number. Aya informs the driver that this is my stop. The van starts to slow. Aya says to me "get ready." Get ready for what? "You have to jump out." The van slows, does not stop, Aya opens the door, and yells "Go." Fearing the alternative, I leap out of the van and into the relative safety of the front of the hotel.

Rei and Aya wave goodbye from the open door as they speed away.

I tried to call Rei's number the next day. The number is not in service.

I then had various other adventures at this point, involving a toothless convenience store clerk, being tackled by a random college student I don't know, and having three beautiful women threaten to call the police on me. I wish I could completely relate that part of the story but, in all honesty, the drink has made that memory way too hazy...

I go up to my hotel room, intent on calling it a night. I get ready for bed, lie down, about to drift off to sleep. Suddenly, there's a knock on my door. I look at the clock. it's three in the morning.
Confused and a little disturbed, I open the door. Before me is a rather gorgeous girl, probably in her early twenties. She informs me that L sent her.

Now, this could have gone a variety of ways. She makes it known that L sent her over to... you get the idea. I was sleep deprived, very drunk, and very inclined to lay the pipe, as they say, at that particular moment. This girl was indeed beautiful, and really, let's face it, guys like me don't get to have sex with beautiful people unless there's money involved. This was a wonderful opportunity....

I really want to say that I did the right thing, that I brought this girl into my hotel room and rocked her world. I really want to say that I did that. Because I kind of wish I did. But, alas, I was an idiot. I politely informed the girl that I have a girlfriend, and that while I'm not sure about the current state of my relationship, I must decline her offer. She said she understands and left. I went to bed alone. For not fulfilling her duty, that girl is probably dead by now.

The next day, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life and a large amount of bewilderment.

An Adventure into the Underworld

Warning, this post is both exceedingly long and... um... sexually explicit. Parts of this post are definitely a little... well... yeah, you probably shouldn't read this. Adults only, and may god have mercy on your soul.

So, I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. And, honestly, I had no plans to ever update it again. Just fell by the wayside. But this just seemed too sureal to not put into writing.

I recently went to visit my friend Ken in Ishikawa Prefecture. Ishikawa is a good ways away from Kyoto, so I don't get to hang out with Ken very often. But every time I do, it's good times. This time was something else.

I got to Ishikawa, checked into my hotel, and gave Ken a call. He said he's working, but he and his friends will meet me at the local convenience store at 8:30. I say ok, and spend the day wandering around a local mountain and getting attacked by all manner of wild
critters and almost falling to my death from some old tower. 8:15 comes along, and I head on over to the conbini. About that time, Ken calls me, telling me there's a problem at work, and he can't make it until later, maybe not at all. But his friend L and L's buddy will meet me and take me to "a place of interest."

Let me briefly tell you about L. L is a Japanese yakuza, and if you don't know what that means, well, wikipedia is a wonderful thing. Regardless, he's absolutely insane, rich, drinks like a fish, married and has an uncountable number of mistresses, and doesn't speak a word of English. Well, that's a lie. He actually knows the word "pussy." Which he yells. Constantly. Neverendingly. Out car windows. at random passersby, at police. Apparently, he likes the English word pussy. L's friend is a surprisingly normal person, except for his name. He told me to call him "Cut." Thinking I misheard, I asked him to repeat, and he once again says "Cut, like scissors cut!" I never asked why, and not sure I want to know.

The two of them pick me up, and we head over to a place that has no name. Honestly, the place has no name, so I was, at this point, still marginally confused as to where we were going. I happened to notice the pictures of beautiful women on the walls, so I figured it was your
standard hostess bar. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We enter, and there is a stage, built not unlike a runway at a fashion show. Surrounding the stage are about a hundred folding chairs. There are two of the dirtiest looking human being occupying two of them, and that's it. The toothless owner/operator and his friend who... well... I don't think does anything... told us to take a seat. I turned to L and asked in Japanese what this place was. His response was unintelligible. I told him I didn't understand. He said pussy. I said ok.

We sit down, and I learn very soon that this is a strip club. However, it is unlike any strip club I have ever been to. While I'm sure that somewhere in Japan there are what I would consider to be "normal" strip clubs, this definitely was not it. The bulk of this story is now attempting to describe what happened on stage...

The first dance comes out. She's attractive, long dark hair, maybe in her late 20s, and dressed in something like a robe. None of this surprised me. What did surprise me was that she was blindfolded and carried a........ tree branch in her mouth. I don't know. She has a tree branch. and she was biting it. And I don't know why. The music starts and it's something like traditional Japanese music: taiko drums, koto, woman wailing, that sort of thing. The dancer does the most intricate dance routine I've ever seen for a strip club. I was impressed. It was well choreographed. It was pretty much art. But through it all, I was confused, why was she still wearing the robe? And why did she still have the tree branch? As she moved closer to where the five of us were sitting, she threw off her robe, and she was naked, except I noticed something strapped to her left leg. I couldn't make out what it was, despite being only five feet in front
of me. I would soon find out.

As she gets in front of us, she drops down to her knees and does what I can only describe as interpretive dance. Then, she removes the black thing from her leg. I realize it was a dildo strapped to her. Not that I've seen many dildos, I don't think I've ever seen something like this. The sheer size of it made my outie become an innie out of intimidation. I will not get tooo graphic, but let's just say things were done on stage that I couldn't believe anatomically possible.
But, while with one hand, she's going to work like crazy with that.... bludgeoning device, her other hand is still doing interpretive dance moves. I can't think of how to describe it... it was like part pornographer, part art, and all ridiculous.

The song starts winding down, apparently she finishes what she came here to do, and stands up. But wait, I find myself thinking. where did that giant dildo go? I look, it's not in her hands. It's not strapped to her leg. It's not on the floor. I notice it's still half way in, and then, she does a little pirouet, and it's gone. Disappeared. I don't know, sucked in? What the fuck was that? How? It's not possible..... the woman is a magician.

There is scattered applause from the five of us, she takes a bow, and goes backstage. I figure that's the last of it. But then, the house lights come up, and she walks back out. And she comes up to us and starts jabbering away. I have no idea what she's saying. I turn to L, and he's gesturing madly at me. I turn to Cut. He's laughing hysterically. I realize they are no help. I turn back to the stage, and in one hand, the woman has a polaroid camera. The other is making
a "thumbs up/thumbs down" gesture. I learn that for a very small fee (about $5 U.S.) you can get a polaroid of you and the dance and you can choose the pose. Before I knew it, L was forcing me onstage and giving commands as to how she should pose, while Cut was readying the
camera.

I have never wished that I had a scanner so much as I do now. It is really and truly hilarious.

So, there is then a 15 minute intermission. Why that long, I don't know, but there you have it. It was at this time that the Old Men enter. Now I've seen dirty old men before. I will probably become a dirty old man myself. But I wasn't prepared for this. There were five of them, at an average age of early 70s. They were dressed in yukata's from the same hotel I'm staying at, and they were accompanied by an old woman, similarly dressed. During the next two shows (which
will be described, don't worry, cause they get weird... er.) the men have what can only be said to be the happiest faces on the face of the planet. I've never seen anyone look so happy as these men. Except when the Old Woman of Doom did her thing. She sat behind them, and periodically, for no discernable reason, would hit one of them at random on the back of the head, usually making his glasses fall off. She moved from seat to seat hitting these happy men and interrupting what seemed to be the happiest moment of their lives.

The next dancer came out on stage. She was dressed in a full kimono. I've seen traditional Japanese dances before. This was EXACTLY that. I feel like I've seen this exact dance before. She's moving in slow measured movements, and I was struck by just how out of place it seemed. It was a sad dance. The music... well... think of a movie, and think of, in that movie, the saddest part, where the hero's lover dies, or the little boy's dog slowly passes away. That heavy violin,
cello, depressing stuff. It didn't seem to fit anything about this place.

After about five minutes of this excrutiatingly boring (though impressive) performance, she disappears offstage. In what has to be the quickest costume change in the history of the world, she jumps back on stage in a completely different outfit. This was... i don't know what you'd call it. It was like a yukata, but really, really, really small and short. and the music starts blaring, this godawful super energy J-Pop crap. and she's bouncing around the stage like a Japanese idol singer... At this point, I didn't know what the hell was going on, and was about to turn to my companions to voice my confusion, when the music just suddenly stops. One second, bouncing happy idol with J-Pop music, next moment she's crawling around on the floor in front of us, naked, with the depressing dirge back. It kind of made me want to cry. The music, her sudden awkward movements and failed attempts to do anything even remotely sexy... it just... I
don't know... man, I was depressed.

Her performance was blissfully short, and I stepped outside for a smoke. Why is this place the only place where I can't smoke inside? Meh. Regardless, my guides joined me, and we chatted up the doorman for a few minutes. I have no idea of what was said, my Japanese is just not good enough to follow this conversation. I know there was a lot of laughing and facial expressions that made me decidedly uncomfortable.

I headed back inside, only to be faced with a truly, truly ridiculous performance that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A third girl was on the stage, and she was dressed in some sort of frilly outfit and she's jumping around, dancing to American golden oldies. I really wish I could remember what they were, but we're talking stuff like "Leader of the Pack" and "It's My party and I'll cry if I want to." It fit the uniform and the dance. What came next did not fit anything that humanity should accept. She jumps offstage for another magical total costume change in record time (how do they do that...) and comes back out in this multi layered robe. There's silence. She poses. Then, "Stand by Me" starts playing. And she starts doing this strange, interpretive dance, slowly moving down the runway. It was odd, that choice of song, I thought. I was feeling a little surprised and put off. As the song winds down, she's standing in front of us,
in an elegant pose. The song ends. Silence.

She drops to the ground, tosses off her robe, and gets to work like a DJ. By this point, I didn't find this odd. What I did find odd was that "Day Dream Believer" began playing. Followed by Presley's "I can't help falling in love with you." Followed by Madness "Our House." You haven't seen odd until you've seen a Japanese woman masturbating like crazy to that trio of songs. I felt... well... I just laughed. I laughed and probably offended everyone but y'know, this just wasn't right. Her routine ends, and I get another picture. We realize that there are only three dancers there that night, and not wanting to risk seeing the same routine twice, L decides it's time to go to part 2.

To possibly be continued