An Adventure into the Underworld
Warning, this post is both exceedingly long and... um... sexually explicit. Parts of this post are definitely a little... well... yeah, you probably shouldn't read this. Adults only, and may god have mercy on your soul.
So, I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. And, honestly, I had no plans to ever update it again. Just fell by the wayside. But this just seemed too sureal to not put into writing.
I recently went to visit my friend Ken in Ishikawa Prefecture. Ishikawa is a good ways away from Kyoto, so I don't get to hang out with Ken very often. But every time I do, it's good times. This time was something else.
I got to Ishikawa, checked into my hotel, and gave Ken a call. He said he's working, but he and his friends will meet me at the local convenience store at 8:30. I say ok, and spend the day wandering around a local mountain and getting attacked by all manner of wild
critters and almost falling to my death from some old tower. 8:15 comes along, and I head on over to the conbini. About that time, Ken calls me, telling me there's a problem at work, and he can't make it until later, maybe not at all. But his friend L and L's buddy will meet me and take me to "a place of interest."
Let me briefly tell you about L. L is a Japanese yakuza, and if you don't know what that means, well, wikipedia is a wonderful thing. Regardless, he's absolutely insane, rich, drinks like a fish, married and has an uncountable number of mistresses, and doesn't speak a word of English. Well, that's a lie. He actually knows the word "pussy." Which he yells. Constantly. Neverendingly. Out car windows. at random passersby, at police. Apparently, he likes the English word pussy. L's friend is a surprisingly normal person, except for his name. He told me to call him "Cut." Thinking I misheard, I asked him to repeat, and he once again says "Cut, like scissors cut!" I never asked why, and not sure I want to know.
The two of them pick me up, and we head over to a place that has no name. Honestly, the place has no name, so I was, at this point, still marginally confused as to where we were going. I happened to notice the pictures of beautiful women on the walls, so I figured it was your
standard hostess bar. I couldn't have been more wrong.
We enter, and there is a stage, built not unlike a runway at a fashion show. Surrounding the stage are about a hundred folding chairs. There are two of the dirtiest looking human being occupying two of them, and that's it. The toothless owner/operator and his friend who... well... I don't think does anything... told us to take a seat. I turned to L and asked in Japanese what this place was. His response was unintelligible. I told him I didn't understand. He said pussy. I said ok.
We sit down, and I learn very soon that this is a strip club. However, it is unlike any strip club I have ever been to. While I'm sure that somewhere in Japan there are what I would consider to be "normal" strip clubs, this definitely was not it. The bulk of this story is now attempting to describe what happened on stage...
The first dance comes out. She's attractive, long dark hair, maybe in her late 20s, and dressed in something like a robe. None of this surprised me. What did surprise me was that she was blindfolded and carried a........ tree branch in her mouth. I don't know. She has a tree branch. and she was biting it. And I don't know why. The music starts and it's something like traditional Japanese music: taiko drums, koto, woman wailing, that sort of thing. The dancer does the most intricate dance routine I've ever seen for a strip club. I was impressed. It was well choreographed. It was pretty much art. But through it all, I was confused, why was she still wearing the robe? And why did she still have the tree branch? As she moved closer to where the five of us were sitting, she threw off her robe, and she was naked, except I noticed something strapped to her left leg. I couldn't make out what it was, despite being only five feet in front
of me. I would soon find out.
As she gets in front of us, she drops down to her knees and does what I can only describe as interpretive dance. Then, she removes the black thing from her leg. I realize it was a dildo strapped to her. Not that I've seen many dildos, I don't think I've ever seen something like this. The sheer size of it made my outie become an innie out of intimidation. I will not get tooo graphic, but let's just say things were done on stage that I couldn't believe anatomically possible.
But, while with one hand, she's going to work like crazy with that.... bludgeoning device, her other hand is still doing interpretive dance moves. I can't think of how to describe it... it was like part pornographer, part art, and all ridiculous.
The song starts winding down, apparently she finishes what she came here to do, and stands up. But wait, I find myself thinking. where did that giant dildo go? I look, it's not in her hands. It's not strapped to her leg. It's not on the floor. I notice it's still half way in, and then, she does a little pirouet, and it's gone. Disappeared. I don't know, sucked in? What the fuck was that? How? It's not possible..... the woman is a magician.
There is scattered applause from the five of us, she takes a bow, and goes backstage. I figure that's the last of it. But then, the house lights come up, and she walks back out. And she comes up to us and starts jabbering away. I have no idea what she's saying. I turn to L, and he's gesturing madly at me. I turn to Cut. He's laughing hysterically. I realize they are no help. I turn back to the stage, and in one hand, the woman has a polaroid camera. The other is making
a "thumbs up/thumbs down" gesture. I learn that for a very small fee (about $5 U.S.) you can get a polaroid of you and the dance and you can choose the pose. Before I knew it, L was forcing me onstage and giving commands as to how she should pose, while Cut was readying the
camera.
I have never wished that I had a scanner so much as I do now. It is really and truly hilarious.
So, there is then a 15 minute intermission. Why that long, I don't know, but there you have it. It was at this time that the Old Men enter. Now I've seen dirty old men before. I will probably become a dirty old man myself. But I wasn't prepared for this. There were five of them, at an average age of early 70s. They were dressed in yukata's from the same hotel I'm staying at, and they were accompanied by an old woman, similarly dressed. During the next two shows (which
will be described, don't worry, cause they get weird... er.) the men have what can only be said to be the happiest faces on the face of the planet. I've never seen anyone look so happy as these men. Except when the Old Woman of Doom did her thing. She sat behind them, and periodically, for no discernable reason, would hit one of them at random on the back of the head, usually making his glasses fall off. She moved from seat to seat hitting these happy men and interrupting what seemed to be the happiest moment of their lives.
The next dancer came out on stage. She was dressed in a full kimono. I've seen traditional Japanese dances before. This was EXACTLY that. I feel like I've seen this exact dance before. She's moving in slow measured movements, and I was struck by just how out of place it seemed. It was a sad dance. The music... well... think of a movie, and think of, in that movie, the saddest part, where the hero's lover dies, or the little boy's dog slowly passes away. That heavy violin,
cello, depressing stuff. It didn't seem to fit anything about this place.
After about five minutes of this excrutiatingly boring (though impressive) performance, she disappears offstage. In what has to be the quickest costume change in the history of the world, she jumps back on stage in a completely different outfit. This was... i don't know what you'd call it. It was like a yukata, but really, really, really small and short. and the music starts blaring, this godawful super energy J-Pop crap. and she's bouncing around the stage like a Japanese idol singer... At this point, I didn't know what the hell was going on, and was about to turn to my companions to voice my confusion, when the music just suddenly stops. One second, bouncing happy idol with J-Pop music, next moment she's crawling around on the floor in front of us, naked, with the depressing dirge back. It kind of made me want to cry. The music, her sudden awkward movements and failed attempts to do anything even remotely sexy... it just... I
don't know... man, I was depressed.
Her performance was blissfully short, and I stepped outside for a smoke. Why is this place the only place where I can't smoke inside? Meh. Regardless, my guides joined me, and we chatted up the doorman for a few minutes. I have no idea of what was said, my Japanese is just not good enough to follow this conversation. I know there was a lot of laughing and facial expressions that made me decidedly uncomfortable.
I headed back inside, only to be faced with a truly, truly ridiculous performance that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A third girl was on the stage, and she was dressed in some sort of frilly outfit and she's jumping around, dancing to American golden oldies. I really wish I could remember what they were, but we're talking stuff like "Leader of the Pack" and "It's My party and I'll cry if I want to." It fit the uniform and the dance. What came next did not fit anything that humanity should accept. She jumps offstage for another magical total costume change in record time (how do they do that...) and comes back out in this multi layered robe. There's silence. She poses. Then, "Stand by Me" starts playing. And she starts doing this strange, interpretive dance, slowly moving down the runway. It was odd, that choice of song, I thought. I was feeling a little surprised and put off. As the song winds down, she's standing in front of us,
in an elegant pose. The song ends. Silence.
She drops to the ground, tosses off her robe, and gets to work like a DJ. By this point, I didn't find this odd. What I did find odd was that "Day Dream Believer" began playing. Followed by Presley's "I can't help falling in love with you." Followed by Madness "Our House." You haven't seen odd until you've seen a Japanese woman masturbating like crazy to that trio of songs. I felt... well... I just laughed. I laughed and probably offended everyone but y'know, this just wasn't right. Her routine ends, and I get another picture. We realize that there are only three dancers there that night, and not wanting to risk seeing the same routine twice, L decides it's time to go to part 2.
To possibly be continued
So, I realize I haven't updated my blog in a long, long time. And, honestly, I had no plans to ever update it again. Just fell by the wayside. But this just seemed too sureal to not put into writing.
I recently went to visit my friend Ken in Ishikawa Prefecture. Ishikawa is a good ways away from Kyoto, so I don't get to hang out with Ken very often. But every time I do, it's good times. This time was something else.
I got to Ishikawa, checked into my hotel, and gave Ken a call. He said he's working, but he and his friends will meet me at the local convenience store at 8:30. I say ok, and spend the day wandering around a local mountain and getting attacked by all manner of wild
critters and almost falling to my death from some old tower. 8:15 comes along, and I head on over to the conbini. About that time, Ken calls me, telling me there's a problem at work, and he can't make it until later, maybe not at all. But his friend L and L's buddy will meet me and take me to "a place of interest."
Let me briefly tell you about L. L is a Japanese yakuza, and if you don't know what that means, well, wikipedia is a wonderful thing. Regardless, he's absolutely insane, rich, drinks like a fish, married and has an uncountable number of mistresses, and doesn't speak a word of English. Well, that's a lie. He actually knows the word "pussy." Which he yells. Constantly. Neverendingly. Out car windows. at random passersby, at police. Apparently, he likes the English word pussy. L's friend is a surprisingly normal person, except for his name. He told me to call him "Cut." Thinking I misheard, I asked him to repeat, and he once again says "Cut, like scissors cut!" I never asked why, and not sure I want to know.
The two of them pick me up, and we head over to a place that has no name. Honestly, the place has no name, so I was, at this point, still marginally confused as to where we were going. I happened to notice the pictures of beautiful women on the walls, so I figured it was your
standard hostess bar. I couldn't have been more wrong.
We enter, and there is a stage, built not unlike a runway at a fashion show. Surrounding the stage are about a hundred folding chairs. There are two of the dirtiest looking human being occupying two of them, and that's it. The toothless owner/operator and his friend who... well... I don't think does anything... told us to take a seat. I turned to L and asked in Japanese what this place was. His response was unintelligible. I told him I didn't understand. He said pussy. I said ok.
We sit down, and I learn very soon that this is a strip club. However, it is unlike any strip club I have ever been to. While I'm sure that somewhere in Japan there are what I would consider to be "normal" strip clubs, this definitely was not it. The bulk of this story is now attempting to describe what happened on stage...
The first dance comes out. She's attractive, long dark hair, maybe in her late 20s, and dressed in something like a robe. None of this surprised me. What did surprise me was that she was blindfolded and carried a........ tree branch in her mouth. I don't know. She has a tree branch. and she was biting it. And I don't know why. The music starts and it's something like traditional Japanese music: taiko drums, koto, woman wailing, that sort of thing. The dancer does the most intricate dance routine I've ever seen for a strip club. I was impressed. It was well choreographed. It was pretty much art. But through it all, I was confused, why was she still wearing the robe? And why did she still have the tree branch? As she moved closer to where the five of us were sitting, she threw off her robe, and she was naked, except I noticed something strapped to her left leg. I couldn't make out what it was, despite being only five feet in front
of me. I would soon find out.
As she gets in front of us, she drops down to her knees and does what I can only describe as interpretive dance. Then, she removes the black thing from her leg. I realize it was a dildo strapped to her. Not that I've seen many dildos, I don't think I've ever seen something like this. The sheer size of it made my outie become an innie out of intimidation. I will not get tooo graphic, but let's just say things were done on stage that I couldn't believe anatomically possible.
But, while with one hand, she's going to work like crazy with that.... bludgeoning device, her other hand is still doing interpretive dance moves. I can't think of how to describe it... it was like part pornographer, part art, and all ridiculous.
The song starts winding down, apparently she finishes what she came here to do, and stands up. But wait, I find myself thinking. where did that giant dildo go? I look, it's not in her hands. It's not strapped to her leg. It's not on the floor. I notice it's still half way in, and then, she does a little pirouet, and it's gone. Disappeared. I don't know, sucked in? What the fuck was that? How? It's not possible..... the woman is a magician.
There is scattered applause from the five of us, she takes a bow, and goes backstage. I figure that's the last of it. But then, the house lights come up, and she walks back out. And she comes up to us and starts jabbering away. I have no idea what she's saying. I turn to L, and he's gesturing madly at me. I turn to Cut. He's laughing hysterically. I realize they are no help. I turn back to the stage, and in one hand, the woman has a polaroid camera. The other is making
a "thumbs up/thumbs down" gesture. I learn that for a very small fee (about $5 U.S.) you can get a polaroid of you and the dance and you can choose the pose. Before I knew it, L was forcing me onstage and giving commands as to how she should pose, while Cut was readying the
camera.
I have never wished that I had a scanner so much as I do now. It is really and truly hilarious.
So, there is then a 15 minute intermission. Why that long, I don't know, but there you have it. It was at this time that the Old Men enter. Now I've seen dirty old men before. I will probably become a dirty old man myself. But I wasn't prepared for this. There were five of them, at an average age of early 70s. They were dressed in yukata's from the same hotel I'm staying at, and they were accompanied by an old woman, similarly dressed. During the next two shows (which
will be described, don't worry, cause they get weird... er.) the men have what can only be said to be the happiest faces on the face of the planet. I've never seen anyone look so happy as these men. Except when the Old Woman of Doom did her thing. She sat behind them, and periodically, for no discernable reason, would hit one of them at random on the back of the head, usually making his glasses fall off. She moved from seat to seat hitting these happy men and interrupting what seemed to be the happiest moment of their lives.
The next dancer came out on stage. She was dressed in a full kimono. I've seen traditional Japanese dances before. This was EXACTLY that. I feel like I've seen this exact dance before. She's moving in slow measured movements, and I was struck by just how out of place it seemed. It was a sad dance. The music... well... think of a movie, and think of, in that movie, the saddest part, where the hero's lover dies, or the little boy's dog slowly passes away. That heavy violin,
cello, depressing stuff. It didn't seem to fit anything about this place.
After about five minutes of this excrutiatingly boring (though impressive) performance, she disappears offstage. In what has to be the quickest costume change in the history of the world, she jumps back on stage in a completely different outfit. This was... i don't know what you'd call it. It was like a yukata, but really, really, really small and short. and the music starts blaring, this godawful super energy J-Pop crap. and she's bouncing around the stage like a Japanese idol singer... At this point, I didn't know what the hell was going on, and was about to turn to my companions to voice my confusion, when the music just suddenly stops. One second, bouncing happy idol with J-Pop music, next moment she's crawling around on the floor in front of us, naked, with the depressing dirge back. It kind of made me want to cry. The music, her sudden awkward movements and failed attempts to do anything even remotely sexy... it just... I
don't know... man, I was depressed.
Her performance was blissfully short, and I stepped outside for a smoke. Why is this place the only place where I can't smoke inside? Meh. Regardless, my guides joined me, and we chatted up the doorman for a few minutes. I have no idea of what was said, my Japanese is just not good enough to follow this conversation. I know there was a lot of laughing and facial expressions that made me decidedly uncomfortable.
I headed back inside, only to be faced with a truly, truly ridiculous performance that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A third girl was on the stage, and she was dressed in some sort of frilly outfit and she's jumping around, dancing to American golden oldies. I really wish I could remember what they were, but we're talking stuff like "Leader of the Pack" and "It's My party and I'll cry if I want to." It fit the uniform and the dance. What came next did not fit anything that humanity should accept. She jumps offstage for another magical total costume change in record time (how do they do that...) and comes back out in this multi layered robe. There's silence. She poses. Then, "Stand by Me" starts playing. And she starts doing this strange, interpretive dance, slowly moving down the runway. It was odd, that choice of song, I thought. I was feeling a little surprised and put off. As the song winds down, she's standing in front of us,
in an elegant pose. The song ends. Silence.
She drops to the ground, tosses off her robe, and gets to work like a DJ. By this point, I didn't find this odd. What I did find odd was that "Day Dream Believer" began playing. Followed by Presley's "I can't help falling in love with you." Followed by Madness "Our House." You haven't seen odd until you've seen a Japanese woman masturbating like crazy to that trio of songs. I felt... well... I just laughed. I laughed and probably offended everyone but y'know, this just wasn't right. Her routine ends, and I get another picture. We realize that there are only three dancers there that night, and not wanting to risk seeing the same routine twice, L decides it's time to go to part 2.
To possibly be continued
posted by S A B at 5:46 PM
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