Accessorize

Today in class, I noticed something a little... bizarre. Each student has his/her own little pencil case, in which they keep a wide variety of pencils, erasers, and other such thing. That in and of itself is fairly normal. Most students have various pictures or logos or brands on their cases, often coming from various aspects of Americana. You have the Winnie-the-Pooh cases, the Disney cases of all kinds, and the sesame street cases, plus cases that say "I love Puma" or are just a solid color.

Some, however, venture into the bizarre, often featuring strange combinations of the English language. One girl's case just said "LOVE FAN" over and over again. I don't know about you, but the one time I tried to 'love' a fan, it ended in a trip to the hospital. Not really a common utterance.

Some, though, stand out more than others. One has the following words repeated over and over: "Dream grew low. I could have one hope. Encounter is always fresh. Goldrush." I asked the girl what this means, and received a great "I don't know" in response. Well, honey, neither do I.

The number as far as bizarre features a small picture of LL Cool J in the corner. Ok, that's normal, Junior High kids love their american rap. Then, the remainder of the background seems to be parts of magazine articles about LL. Fair enough. Then, in bold letters standing out above all else, the cases says "Have you flossed today?" What does that have to do with LL? What is going on here? And have I flossed today? I don't know, but it resulted in me searching my soul for an answer for the rest of the class period.

As previously stated, some cases have generic brands or themes on them. One that really confused me was a kid with the Los Angeles Raiders on his case. Now, first, I know for a fact none of these kids watch football (and I've desperately tried to find one that likes such a wonderful sport). The hypocrisy of having a football pencil case without liking football aside... Los Angeles Raiders? How long has it been since they played in Los Angeles? Yet the case is brand new... this one just ble my mind.

Finally, there was one young student that had a case with the Playboy bunny on it, saying "Playboy" just below the image. Now, maybe it's just me, but I find something fundamentally wrong with a 14 year old girl having merchandise, in school, promoting a porn company. That's when horrific realization dawned on me... I quickly looked at the girl's socks. At the top of each sock was the Playboy insignia. I did a scan of the room, and noticed about 75% of all girls had the Playboy bunny on their socks. I had noticed it before, certainly, but it's one of those things that just didn't register until now. The majority of girls in Junior High School here in Japan sport Playboy socks....

Maybe I'm a little too prudish sometimes, but I just can't find this to be a good sign of future health for these girls, physical, mental, or sexual.

Look, Grandma, the rare and exotic fat man!

So, I was all geared to write a brief rant on discipline in Japan, considering recent events, but then there were several occurances that have put such a rant on a backburner.

During cleaning time today, I ventured outside for a cigarette, largely because I'm lazy and don't particularly enjoy participating in cleaning time. Also, when I try to help, the students typically stop their cleaning to marvel at the giant gaijin, and then ask me to do a magic trick, as for my stuffed monkey, try to grab me, or just stand there and stare. I figure I do more harm then good, so instead of cleaning, I smoke.

Next to my current school is a nursing home/retirement home type thing. From what I can gather, many of the residents are rather healthy and robust older folks, but there are some that are considerably less mobile. Around the corner from where I sit to smoke, two employees of said retirement home took three old ladies out for some fresh air. Even with canes/walkers, these ladies needed assistance getting around, so I'm assuming getting outside is a rare event for them. I felt kinda bad.

Then, one of the attendents, a rather attractive young girl, noticed me sitting there, and began pointing and gabbering in Japanese. She then helped one of the old women stand, who then upon seeing me, got this "Holy Shit, it's a real foreigner! I've never seen one before" look on her face, and then joined in the pointing. This attracted the attention of the other old women, and one by one they were brought over to stare at me, up close. I smiled, waved, but when I said "Konnichiwa," you'd think I just told them that I have located the fountain of youth. There was suddenly massive excitement, more pointing, more staring, and more talking quickly in Japanese. They weren't talking to me... oh no. I was merely an object to be admired for my exoticism. Kinda like if you happend to see a polar bear wandering around your back yard. For fear of it maiming you, you don't dare approach it or get its attention, but you marvel at its uniqueness.

Earlier in the day, I was standing outside my classroom, waiting for the teacher to arrive to open it up and then start class. This was for an ichinensei class, so naturally I was surrounded at all times being asked for magic and monkeys and just generally being marvelled at. One student, however, decided that he needed to touch my stomach. I don't know why. It wasn't one of the grabs I normally get, but rather more like a rub, as if you're rubbing the belly of an angry boar trying to calm in down.

He said something in Japanese, and before I could bat there hands away, a plethora of ichinensei boys (I find it marginally disturbing that it's only the boys who want to touch me) began rubbing my belly. They just stood there, transfixed, rubbing my stomach, not saying anything. At first, I didn't know what to do, but when I came to my senses ("Wait... what is going on... this is REALLY fucked up...") I began trying to knock away their hands. This shocked them out of their stupor, so instead of just trying to rub my belly, the attempted action was accompanied by "BIG" and, when one slightly more knowledgably kid chimed it, the chorus became "BIG BELLY!" While I definitely feel weirded out, and this too was not cool, at least they weren't trying to touch my dick.

After school, I was witness to what I would consider a remarkable event. Apparently, coming up the entire student body will be participating in a choral concert next Saturday. The entire student body, every single one of them. Not only that, but all this week (and I think next) is dedicated to practice for this performance. Each class is cut down by 5 minutes, and the leftover time at the end of the day is dedicated to the students practicing. The practices continue to go on well after school has ended. During this time, you find, while walking around school, small groups of 10-15 students singing. You find them in the classrooms, in the hallways, outside, in the gym, on the baseball field, on the friggin' roof, everywhere, just singing along to a tape of a piano playing.

Now, think about this. What do you think the general reaction would be if YOUR junior high mandated that every student would participate in a choral concert and that you would have to dedicate extra time after school for rehearsal (plus the saturday for the performance). School-wide mutiny, I do believe, would occur. Here, though, just about everyone goes along with the idea and sings their hearts out (except for a few delinquents, the types of individuals who will be discussed in my forthcoming "goddamn punks" rant). It was eerily... pleasant.

Not Quite Ninjas

So, finally, a post about a day at school that does not include me being groped by students. Therefore, a happy day.

Today, I was relaxing in the teacher's lounge when Hirosawa-sensei asked me what a band-aid is called in English. I said "band-aid" and this sparked an immediate controversy amongst the teachers. I have no idea what they were talking about, but every other word was band-aid. This went on for about fifteen minutes. I'm not sure why there was such amazement over this, but I suppose the teachers were easily amused at this point.

Then, one guy I've never talked to before, comes up to me and asks me in broken English what "carbonated drinks" are called in Pittsburgh. First, I was simply amazed that, among all the words he did not know or could not pronounce right, he got carbonated drinks perfect. The second piece of amazement came when he mentioned the reason he's asking, mostly through Hirosawa-sensei translating. He read somewhere that Pittsburgh says "pop" while everyone else in America says "soda." Now, I know "pop" is not exclusive to Pittsburghese, but still, the fact that he was aware of a separate dialect in Pittsburgh astounded me. I told him that pop is correct, and this too created widespread discussion. I mean, they can name their drinks "Pocari Sweat" and "CowPiss" but "pop" is just weird.

Earlier in the day, I thanked a teacher for explaining something to me. She said "you're welcome" and the guy next to her said "no no no no, you do not say you're welcome. no one says that. it makes you sound stupid." The above sentence was half in Japanese, but essentially, that's what he said. I asked him what he thinks you say, and his response was "No problemo." I can only imagine the blank stares and laughs he would receive in the U.S.

Other than strange conversations in the teacher's lounge, I had an interesting day after school. Classes end at 3:15, and from 3:15 to 3:30, it's cleaning time, where the whole school cleans. After cleaning time, I think there's a brief ten minute home room, and then club activities begin. Since my work day officially ends at 4:15, I usually hide during cleaning time, and then walk around to various clubs, spending most of my time with the Ping Pong club getting my ass beat by kids. It's fun though.

Well, today, I left the teacher's room, and was immediately greeted my two ichinensei girls. I don't know their names (they never introduce themselves) but the one girl I recognized from class today. She was one of those ubershy kids who will not respond to a question no matter what. If I would ask her a question in class, she'd just slink down into her chair and refuse to look at me. I found it extremely funny and so called on her constantly throughout the class. Her friend I did not know.

Anyway, as I left the teacher's room, I said hello to them, and then started walking the hallways. I noticed that they were following me, so I turned around and tried to engage them in conversation. When I turned, they tried to hide, but since there was nothing to hide behind, they just pressed themselves against the wall. They then followed me throughout the school, "hiding" anytime I turned around. It was really bizarre. When I went into the Ping Pong room to play a few matches, they quietly waited outside for a good 15 minutes before I left the room, and thus the following continued. It was really creepy.

A War Zone

So, today was my first day at a new school. The trip to this one involves no hills (thank god) and I just bike through a shitton of rice paddies. Thus, travelling to school has gotten significantly easier, and I find myself jumping for joy in that sense.

The teachers here are an improvement from the last school. One speaks fluent English because he grew up in Queens, and seems like a nice guy, though I didn't spend much time talking to him. Another speaks near fluent English, and I have been dubbed his "smoking buddy." He never ceases to be amazed by the comparisons between Japanese and American schools, and constantly has me regale him with stories. Regardless, he amuses the shit out of me.

The third English teacher speaks just fair English. I can never remember her real name, but the students call her "fish." I have no idea why, and quite frankly, I don't want to know why. Anyway, Fish sits next to me. It was decreed by Queens guy that I would do the same powerpoint presentation I did for Higashi for all my first classes at Kita. So, Fish sits down and looks at me. She asks "Will you do your powerpoint for my class tomorrow?" I say that of course I will. Then, she stares at me. I got the feeling that I needed to say something more...

"I'll have everything ready, as well as a worksheet."
"That's good."

More staring. I fumble for something to say and come up empty. She keeps staring. What? What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me woman? Stop staring at me! Eventually, five minutes and a hell of a lot of awkwardness later, she looks away and goes about her business.

Today I only had one class, and I decided to arrive at the classroom a little bit early. Unfortuantely, this was right after lunch, so the entirety of the ichinensei class were lounging around in the hallways outside the classroom I had to get to. I round the corner and see them all standing there. At first, I was elated... they hadn't noticed me yet, and so I felt I could sneak into the classroom real ninja like. I take one step forward and one kid lets out the "Holy shit there's the mysterious Bigfoot" shout and I promptly have about 80 kids staring at me. Then comes to massive chorus of "Hello!" I say hello back, and thinking they seem somewhat docile (they just ate, so maybe they were placated) I begin to move towards my classroom. What happens next is truly the most terrifying experience of my life.

They completely surround me and I'm wading through a sea of 13 year olds, all jabbering at me in Japanese or simply shouting Hello! Suddenly, I feel something grab my ass... "What the..." and I spin around. Then, something grabs my side! I spin around again. Hands keep darting out from all places, trying to get a grab of any part of my body their grubby little fingers can latch onto. Realizing that there were too many to fend off, I protectively position my bag in front of my valuables and charge forward. Unfortunately, the charging was a failure since they did not get out of the way, and so it was a slow trudge through a mass of students, getting groped with each step... it was like walking through the jungles in 'Nam. The bullets were flying from all directions, and you couldn't even retaliate, as they simply faded back into the trees...

I now feel less human...

That is mine, NOT yours to touch

So, today was a day of firsts. I still can’t say if it was good or bad, just that it was really surreal, and very few things I would ever like to repeat again. The craziness technically starts yesterday. On Mondays, I leave school for the last two periods and report to the Board of Education, to just sit around and wait for any important information. Yesterday, I walked into the BOE to find a plastic cup and a plastic bag with a bottle about the size of my pinky in it. Ok, this is unusual. I'm not entire sure what's going on here. So, I call over Ogino-sensei, as he speaks the best English of anyone in the office, and occassionally when he gets flustered he does the "Snake Dance." It's really indescribable, but I suppose the best way to put it into words is to imagine a 60 year old moving his upper body like a snake... trust me, it's amusing.

Saying that Ogino-sensei speaks the best English does not really mean he speaks good English. He just happens to know a few words, which means I have a better chance of communicating with him. He comes over, and I point to the cup, asking "what is this?" Ogino's answer is transcribed here word for word: "Hmmm... Ashita, asa, here." Ok, tomorrow morning, come here... "Eto......... ni-juu-ni-ji, no tabamono, no nomimono, no smoking." Tonight at 10 p.m., I can no longer eat, drink, or smoke... I fear where this is going. "Asa, medical checku." A medical check? What? "Eto..... blood... take." I take my blood somewhere? Someone takes my blood? I'm meeting an early morning vampire? "Cupu... uchi.................. PISS!" Ok, so, first, I was just told to piss in the cup at home. Do I then just happily carry the cup filled with my piss to work? I mean, I can't piss in the bottle, it's way too small. Secondly, after searching for the word in his mind, he was so happy he thought of it, he exclaimed "piss" at the top of his lungs... fair enough. That's about all I got from him.

Once Ray and Suzie got in, I was able to get some more information. Apparently, I piss in the cup, then, somehow, transfer the piss from the cup into the bottle (side note, i did succeed, but the process is not one I'd like to talk about). Beyond that, the extent of this medical examination was unknown except that they're taking my blood. I realized today that Japanese medical examinations suck.

Apparently, all employees of the local government have to get examined over the course of three days. I was elected to go today, was told where it was, and was sent on my way. I arrive at the location, and walk into a giant auditorium, where there are several stations set up, and you proceed from one station to another, being poked, prodded, and electrocuted with a variety of instruments. Naturally, the stations began with a form that needed to be filled out and a questionaire about current illness. I do not read Japanese, and so naturally I couldn't fill it out on my own. There just happened to be an old dude that spoke a little English and had a list of medical terms in English, and he offered to assist me. Unfortunately, none of the medical terms he had applied to anything on the form, and since he did not know the words, he decided to act out each illness, and then shake my head yes or no. Needless to say, a 70 year old man acting like he has heart pain, breathing problems, and diabetes is much funnier than it should have been.

With much effort, we got the bare minimum filled out. I then embarked on my journey throughout the auditorium and, as it turns out, outside, where they were doing the X-rays. I don't remember most of the "events" as they were fairly normal test your hearing, test your vision, take a picture of your eyeball type stuff, but some stood out. One, for example, I had to get naked and lie down on a table. I say table, and that's exactly what it was: a folding table with a blanket on it. I wish that this was the lowest of hygenic fears here, but it did get worse. Regardless, I lied down naked on the table, which nearly collapsed under my weight (and the lady tried to move incredibly quickly as the table kept shaking and making noises). Then, she attached giant clips and wires to my arms and legs, then to my chest, then my stomach. She told me to relax (well, she just said "relax" and a bunch of Japanese words, so I guessed as much) and laid there for a good ten minutes. What was done, I don't know. I think she just stood back at that point and laughed, but you got me.

Down the line, I had to give a sample of blood, and let me tell you, this was disgusting. No gloves were worn by the attendants, and it took place on a fairly communcal table, with little sanitization between people. Thankfully, the needles were prepackaged, but that's about it. This was not cool by me. Add my fear of needles going into my arm and the lack of food, water, and nicotine, and I became one disturbed Walrus. After the exam, I was so nausiated by this experience I had to run home, where the dry heaving lasted quite a while. Not pleasant, not cool, and not something I want to do again.

So, firsts here were Japanese medical exam, pissing and transferring my piss from one container to another, unsanitary blood giving, and watching an old man pretend to have a heart attack for my benefit. I wish the day got better.

After the exam, I had to quickly get to school, as I had a class to teach shortly. I made it a minute before class began, so I ran upstairs and got everything ready. When the students were filing into the room, I was happily drinking some water, trying to rest. Then, the single most shocking event in my life happened.

This was a sannensei class, and usually they're the best, as they have the best English skills. Plus, Saito-sensei was the teacher, and she's the most effective one there, so I figured a group of fun but knowledgable students. I did not expect that, as one student was walking in, while I was drinking my water, his hand quickly shot out, grabbed my junk, and retreated. This was not some idle small grab, but rather, a full cup of the whole shebang. I was so alarmed by this violation that water immediately flew from my mouth and nose, and I just kinda stood there shocked for a moment. Then, the verbal berating began, mostly in English but, when possible, Japanese. I tried to explain that No, this is NOT cool, that you do NOT touch that, that it is MINE, not YOURS. The student's reaction? Laughter. Peels of laughter.

I knew that such a thing was possible, even likely to happen, but you just can't prepare yourself for a 15 year old to suddenly without warning grab your cock. I am sooooo not cool with this happening. What's worse, is that my reaction apparently caused enough amusement that for the rest of the day, said student had to continually try for my crotch. Thankfully, I was ready, and so prevented any repeat violations, but still. The mere knowledge that some kid is going for my crotch just fills me with... paranoia. Plus, he decided that since he can't get it, he must get his friends to help. Thus, the entire day, not only did I have one kid trying to grab the junk, but rather a plethora of kids with the same goal. The worst was when I mentioned that since I am much bigger than he is, I can easily stop him and, if necessary, break him. He stopped, thought about it for a moment, and scampered off. I hoped that I scared him into submission, but no, he just felt the need to get creative. He returned a moment later with a BROOM! Now, I'm not sure if he was going to try and poke me in the crotch with the broom, use the broom as a distraction while he went in for the gold, or just use the broom as self defense should I try and kill him after he grabs my cock. I don't know, and thankfull, I never found out. He moved the broom forward, and thus I wrenched it out of his hands and, with no grace, ran away.

Despite the crotch grabbing and medical hell, today had its really good points. I had three classes today, all of which were my best yet. The kids got really into my presentation, and we just had quite a bit of fun. I felt that I really accomplished something. However, as I mentioned before, the kids love the Heinz Pickle Pins, and I'm quickly running out, so I am less forthcoming with them. Thus, if the students get wind of the fact that I might have some on me, I am immediately mobbed, with students trying to get their hands into my pockets. After one class, I had fifteen students literally climbing all over me, begging for pins. I think the funny part of this is that they keep repeating "pickles prease."

MOVE!!!!!!!!!

As I'm sure I've mentioned, my current school, Higashi, is on top of a hill. This makes getting to the school in the morning almost unbearably painful. I don't do physical activity very well, let alone biking for an extended period of time up a hill. Returning, however, is quite easy. I just get myself going and allow gravity to do the rest. It's quite fun.

The problem here, though, is twofold. One is that I'm still not all that good on a bicycle, and so I have little to no control while travelling at high speeds down a hill. Breaking, turning, or anything else are impossibilities. Two, the Japanese are cutthroat in their travelling. The general idea is that "you get out of my way, because I'm going to keep trucking forward with my head down pretending you don't exist." This applies whether you are walking, riding a bicycle, on a scooter, or driving a car. You move forward with reckless abandon and hope that everyone else gets out of your way. I don't know how there aren't more accidents.

I have found a solution, however, that allows me to travel quickly and somewhat safely. While going down Higashi hill, I stand up on my bike, allowing the greatest forward momentum, and shout at the top of my lungs "Gaijin Tamaranai!" I have been informed that this basically means "Foreigner can't stop!" While I'm not sure if that is true, or if I'm pronouncing it right, or even if anyone can make out the words, it does fulfill its purpose. When I yell that out, any nearby pedestrians will immediately look up. They are then presented with the sight of a large, hairy, sweaty foreigner travelling at breakneck speed, appearing to have no control. In the event that said pedestrian is in front of me, he/she will have an immediate look of uncontrollable terror cross their face. It only takes a moment for them to realize what it hurtling towards them, and so they leap out of the way.

I've also realized that English can be used quite effectively as a weapon here, at least when wielded by me. It's not something that I want to do, or try to do, but it just sometimes happens by accident. For example, I was riding the train with Ray recently, and I was relating a story to him. Key to the story is when I said to some guy in passing, rather sternly, "I will CUT you." At the time of the story's telling, an elderly Japanese man was standing nearby. On the word "cut," he immediately looked up with a mix of fear and surprise, and promptly moved to the back of the train.

Now, it's possible that he may have known the English words and so was fearful I was refering to him, but based on other experiences here, I doubt that to be true. If ever I speak English just a little too loudly, on purpose or by accident, no matter what I say most nearby Japanese will vacate the area. Even in the event I'm in an area where loud voices are common, or just use a little extra bit of emphasis, English coming from me seems to have the same effect as if I pulled out a knife. Thus, I try to be careful with how I speak, but sometimes, it's just not my fault, and in the end I spread fear of the Walrus all around me. Oh well, at least I know if I'm ever short of money I can always rob a bank with nothing more than my vocal chords.

I Laugh When You Fall!

Today the school had its sports day competition thing. I think it was phase one, with phase two being next week, but I really have no idea what's going on half the time at school. I guess my gaijin telepathy is a bit underdeveloped.

Sports day at Higashi involves dividing the whole school into three teams, each team with a color, so we have Red Team, Yellow Team, and Blue Team. Then, within each team, there are three groups, A, B, and C, and finally those three groups are further divided into Ichinensei, Ninensei, and Sannensei. Let me know if this gets too confusing for you.

Before the actual competition, they have ceremonies. The Japanese, I've found, LOVE ceremonies. The ceremony before Sports Day, though, was in some ways downright frightening. The students were all seated on one end of the field, while one of the head teachers was talking through a megaphone on the other. After some amount of speech, the students all stood up and arranged themselves into nice, orderly lines. Some sort of music started playing, and at that, the kids began to march in place. At this, students with giant flags got in front of the larger groups, continuing to march. A word was said over the microphone, and a third of the students marched forward. Then, another word, another third, and then the final group. After reaching the other side, the students stopped and kept marching in place. The music ended and they all snapped to attention and bowed. The principal got up in front of them, more bowing, more speeches, more bowing. Then the vice-principal, and you get the idea. There was no talking from the students, even some of the more delinquent ones. Just statue still and bowing.

I was really starting to become disturbed by this military-esque fashion, but nothing could have prepared me for what came next. There's a girl on the staff, I've found she's 22 and really attractive, who is kind of like a teacher in training. At first I thought she was the P.E. teacher, but she just helps out with everything, hoping to eventually get a job as a teacher. On a side note, she's really cute, and while I've heard confirmed reports that she speaks English, she's too shy or toos cared to respond to my attempts at conversation. Anyway, she stands up on this platform before the students, and music begins to play. It was a Japanese version of an oldies song, the name of which I've forgotten. That in itself was surreal, but then the dancing aeorbics began. I could try to describe this, but really, words could never come close to conjuring up an image of this group "dance." It involved a lot of jumping and raising your fist in something akin to black power. Part of me wanted to laugh, and indeed I did, but the other part wanted to run in terror.

The idea behind sports team is that the various classes will compete against each other in a variety of events, and depending on how your group does, you are awarded points that contribute to the larger team. Where it gets kinda crazy is the various events. Some are fairly tame: You have a relay race broken up by the various classes, so all ichinensei Reds, Blues, and Yellows are involved in the giant relay. Then you have other things like a 100 meter dash. Then you get a little crazier.

First there's the group jump rope, where everyone within A, B, or C participates. You have two guys (always guys) on either end, and everyone else in between. A lengthy rope is then used and everyone has to jump it. I think points are awarded by how many times you jump in a given period of time, but I'll be damned if I know. Regardless, the amusement comes in when no one in a group can seem to get it right. After a while, the guys swinging the ropes get frustrated, and just go crazy with their swinging, making it impossible for anyone to successfully jump the rope. What's more, they're swinging the rope so hard that they take the legs out from anyone who doesn't make it, and so they fall backwards, causing the entire group to fall backwards. From there, it's just a mass of Japanese kids in extreme pain. I laugh, at least.

The obstacle course event is somewhat interesting, as first you jump hurdles, and the best part is when the unathletic kids try for that one. I think one kid tried to jump, got his leg stuck, fell, and created a domino effect with all other hurdles and students. After hurdling, you climb under a net, followed by running with a ping pong paddle, balancing a little ball on top. Then comes the balance beam, and finally, you put these wooden blocks on your feet and hold them on with ropes while trying to run and falling over. That's the best description I can come up with...

They also have a version of tug of war that more closely resembles a battlefield than anything else. Two teams lines up, and in between them are about 15 bamboo logs. At the sound of the gun, both teams rush forward and attempt to drag as many logs as possible back to their side of the field. What ends up happening is a virtual war breaks out. The students become so desperate to get these logs, mini-fights break out. Pushing, shoving, jumping on top of, and any other combatitive elements seem to be fully allowed. After this event, a plethora of students journeyed to the "nurse" (who's actual job is just one of the office ladies, but she fills in by telling you to sit down and handing you a bandaid for the giant gash on your leg). My favorite was one imaginative student on the Yellow team attempted to prevent a group of Blues from pulling the log out of Yellow hands by laying down next to the Blues and systematically pulling their legs out from under them.

A final event, and perhaps my favorite, is the special relay race. Each team is represented by two groups, how they're picked I don't know because they don't correspond with any other aforementioned deliniation. Each group is made up of about 15 kids in a line, their legs all tied together. Then, they run. Together. The first group holds a baton, and will eventually meet group two, when the baton is handed off. You get the idea. The fun is twofold. One, in an attempt to keep in order, most groups have their own specialized chant. Words could never describe the funny sounds that escape these students' lips. Second, they can never remain syncrhonized. So, typically, after a few steps, the entire line just crashes, and everyone is falling over everyone. Hilarity ensues. All except one of the Red groups, led my a student I've nicknamed "Guns," a story in and of itself. Well, Guns doesn't bother with the chant. He doesn't bother with any time of group effort. He just pulls everyone else along with him, and they have no choice but to either keep their legs moving as his gait or just be pulled along. One really small girl in his group just couldn't keep up, so the kid immediately behind her just picked her up and carried her with him.

My duties during Sports Day largely involved standing around watching the craziness take place. Occassionally I'd be called upon to carry shit no one else can, which gives me a bit of pride when all the students start standing around, pointing, and exclaiming "Sugoyoi!"

Some of the teachers have warmed up to me a bit, though unfortunately this does not really include the English teachers that much. So, conversation is limited by the language barrier, but some try. For example, the school has a groundskeeper who occassionally tries to talk to me. He speaks no English, so his solution is to kneel down and draw little pictures in the sand. I have no clue what these pictures are, so I just stand there, nodding my head and occassionally saying "hai" as he just happily draws and talks.

At the end of the day, I was chilling in the teacher's lounge waiting for it to be time to go home. I neglected to mention that it was the hottest day it's been since I came to Japan, and there were no clouds in the sky so that infernal sun just kept blasting down on us. As one prone to spending my time indoors, I naturally got more sun than I'm used to. This resulted in the teachers constantly pointing and laughing at my red face. Which brings me to an important point. All Japanese people say they can't speak English, despite the fact that they all had to have it for six years. Now, I know I remember nothing from my Spanish classes, so that right there is no reason to believe they should be able to converse. However, the fact that they just pull random words out of their ass, like "Sun burned" just leads me to believe that they just pretend to know no English to make me uncomfortable.

Here's a link to my pictures site. There are two albums right now, one just a mass of pictures so far, and the second is from Sports Day. I'm sure you can figure out which is which.

Oh, so THAT'S why you're feeling me up...

Yesterday, I taught my first classes. The results were very much a mixed bag. The first two classes were ichinensei (7^th graders). The first one went horribly. I gave my powerpoint presentation, and they didn’t give a damn about any pictures or anything else I said or did. They got into the Google Earth a bit, but that’s about it. After the powerpoint, I gave out a small quiz, which also didn’t work, and finished it with a game, which they could care less about… the bastards.

The second ichinensei class worked significantly better. They dug the powerpoint and my humor. I cut out the quiz, and spent more time on the game, which they also liked. I was giving out Heinz Pickle Pins as little prizes (if you don’t know what they are, then shame on you) and the kids in this class were all about them. After class, the majority of the boys came up to me and began feeling up my legs. I was not only weirded out by this because a bunch of 12 year olds were feeling me up, but I was also afraid, after reading www.Gaijinsmash.net, that they would shortly be going for my dick. Thankfully, all the wanted were more pickle pins, and when I produced more out of my pocket, I was immediately mobbed by about 15 students, all desperately trying to get them… I really didn’t know how to handle it. At least it was just the boys feeling me up. The girls stood back and just kept saying “Prease.

The final class was sannensei (9^th grade) and half the class was into what I was doing, while the other half couldn’t care less. Strangely enough, it was the girls who kept answering questions and were interested in the presentation, while the boys just sat there mutely and resisted any attempt by me to engage them in the class.

What I found most unusual was the behavior of the students. I lost most of my Japanese cultural worship long ago from working on my thesis, but I still pictured Japanese classes to be very orderly. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Kids would just keep talking in the class, ignoring what I’m saying, sleeping, or just being general nuisances. I just didn’t see this happening.

Yesterday I also realized how restrictive my lack of language ability is in the field of discipline. At the end of the day, before I decided to try and join in with some club activities, I went outside to smoke. While walking out, I happened upon four sannensei students, one of which lit up a cigarette right after getting out of the gate of the school. Smoking is prohibited until you are 20. I know that I’m a hardcore smoker, but I am also hardcore against young kids smoking, and I advise anyone to never start. So, I decided to try my hand at disciplining this kid. I failed, miserably. About all I was able to do is take the one cigarette off of him, but I couldn’t do anything more. When I related the story to Kubo-sensei, he was shocked by the student’s behavior and asked me to identify the student. Since most of these kids still look the same to me, I couldn’t.

I have found that I am a bit of a celebrity at the school. If I’m wandering the hallways and a student just happens to look over and see me, they let out this giant gasp as if they’ve seen Bigfoot. It’s like “Oh my god, there he is! Is he going to talk to me? Is he going to eat me? I don’t know! I will just stand here transfixed my the presence of this strange creature.” Then, I’ll smile and say hello, which every time I realize is a giant mistake. About the only things these kids can say for certain is “hello” and they repeat it, constantly. I can expect any one student to say “hello” at least 10 times to me throughout the course of the day. Now I just need to work on goodbye.

You Do Know Your Forehead is Bleeding

So, the last post was actually written before I had left school for the day. I didn’t realize how awesome some things can be. I took it upon myself to aimlessly wander the hallways and outside checking out the various clubs the students are a part of. I have never seen such dedication to anything. These kids, junior high all, are hardcore. And they loved it whenever I stopped by. Mostly I’d just watch (I’m not too into basketball, baseball, and soccer), but a few things I joined in with them. I played some ping pong, getting soundly defeated by many of the students. I played a few volleys of tennis. I watched the art club, and then showed them my pathetic stick figures. Any time I would venture near a club activity, everything would stop for the “Hello Everyone” and then the standing and staring. Some kids were venturous enough to try and talk to me, but the English/Japanese barriers made it difficult. Still, though, they tried, and I was so proud of them for it.

The craziest, though, was when I tried to help some students with preparation for their big sports day… Essentially, sometime next week or the week after (I don’t know) all the school plays various sports, the likes of which I do not know. One task, though, is for fifteen students to be bound to each other be a length of rope around one leg, and then they’d have to run… the ropes were a wee bit scary, especially the way they were bound together. I can’t really describe it, but I did take a picture of the rope, as well as other pictures around the school.

I don’t have the words to illustrate the student dedication to their clubs… except for one member of the ping pong club. He was a nerdy little kid that sat outside the room where they were playing ping pong, holding his paddle and looking forlornly at it. I don’t know what was up with him, but I felt really bad for him. I tried to converse with him, doing some of the things that drive some of the students wild with laughter, but he just wasn’t having it. I just felt real bad for him, and despite all the other times I could have used some Japanese, I never felt the need as badly as I did right then, just so I could find out what was wrong and console the little runt. Well, nothing I can do… and I hate myself for it at the moment.

Another example of how hardcore these kids are can be seen sitting next to me. This girl got hit by something, I don’t know what, but she has this massive bandage covering a large amount of her face. And there is no way she is complaining. Hell, as far as I can tell, she wants to get right back out there, despite the fact that she seems to be bleeding from the forehead and can’t see through the bandage. What’s more, the teachers aren’t paying her any mind. Like I said, hard-fucking-core.

It's a Plural Form!

So, allow me to describe my first two days at school. They’ve been, well, interesting, and a bizarre combination of absolutely uneventful and jam-packed excitement. This is my story.

So, yesterday was my first day. I traveled to Higashi Joyo Junior High, and I knew which way I was going (see previous post). I wanted to make a good first impression, so I wore my dress clothes there, though thankfully I was smart enough to have my suit jacket in the basket of my bicycle. I figured “It’s early morning, it can’t be too hot, I won’t get all that sweaty.” Dear god was I wrong. The act of biking up that godforsaken hill put me into a state of sweat filled exhaustion I hesitate to describe. Upon getting to the school, I hit up the bathroom and took off my undershirt. I than rang it out. I mean, there was enough sweat in this shirt that one would I think I had just soaked it in a bucket of water. Hell, I could have filled up a bucket of water. Regardless, I then spent the rest of the day in relative discomfort. Thankfully, though, I spent most of my day in the teacher’s room, which is the only room in the school that has air-conditioning.

I tried a few basic conversations with the vice principal, which mostly ended in failure since he spoke no English and did not understand my caveman Japanese skills. There are worse things, I suppose. I’ve found my time here is littered with misunderstandings and confusion, and unfortunately, the three English teachers did not help. I don’t know if they were just busy or were afraid of me, but they would barely talk to me. I think it could simply be that they’re unsure of their English.

Which brings me to an important point about Japanese schools. I now understand the importance of the AET. I remember my Spanish teacher in high school couldn’t accurately teach his way out of a paper bag, but by god he was fluent in Spanish. These teachers are lucky they can speak any English, and they’re teaching it? What the hell?

Anyway, I sat around until about 9:30, when there was a welcoming ceremony (the students just got back from summer break). I did not know that at 9:30 there was a welcoming ceremony. Everyone just got up and left the teacher’s room, and I was just sitting there wondering what the hell is going on. Eventually, I used my Gaijin Telepathy to chase down the teachers, and thus follow them into the gym. I was presented with a frightening sight.

All the students were lined up into neat little rows. Then, the teacher acting as the MC said something, and they all snapped to attention. Another word was spoken, and they all bowed in unison. One final word was said, and they all moved into an “at ease” like stance. It was so incredibly creepy. Thankfully, they were eventually allowed to sit down on the floor, and they relaxed a bit, but still, the military-esque feel of the situation was just disturbing.

At this ceremony, many things were said, none of which I understood. Eventually, I was called up onto the stage, and then sat in a chair as the principal talked about me. I don’t know what he said, and that frightens me a little bit. Then, I was asked to give a speech in both English and Japanese. Thankfully, I was prepared for this, and gave my little 2 minute speech, alternating between English and Japanese. Here is where I won over the students. I had a few amusing comments (such as “I like sports but am too fat to play anymore” and “I know I look big and scary, but I’m really a nice guy, so come talk to me”) which caused great amounts of laughter to erupt from the students. It was the only emotion I had seen them show the entire ceremony.

After the ceremony, I realized I made quite an impression. A large gaggle of junior high girls immediately ran up to me, and I suppose that since the first thing I said in English was “Hello Everyone,” this group just began repeating the statement to me. It was a little odd, and I wasn’t sure how to explain at that moment that “everyone” is plural. Regardless, that was the start of the students’ fascination with me.

I noticed that during the ceremony, students kept staring at me. I was prepared for that. Right now, though, classes haven’t started, so all the kids just kinda roam the halls and clean and do club related activities (clubs are huge here, and you have to be in one, and then dedicate your soul to the club). With little else to do, I too roam the halls, and the students just flock to me. The process of our interactions is always the same: they run up and all say hello. They repeat hello about 6 times. I smile and they laugh. Then, they just stare, I mean, just stand there and stare. If it’s girls, after the staring for a while, they turn to each other and speak quickly in Japanese, then giggle like crazy. I’m glad I don’t know what they’re saying. The buys just stare for a while, I’ll try to say something, then they just wander off laughing. I don’t have to use my wit and charm to make these kids laugh, I just have to exist!

I’ve found, much to my sadness, that I’m expected to help out with the cleaning. My helping out usually just involves me walking around and telling the kids to clean, which causes them to stare blankly at me and then laugh, or I’ll push around a little broom. I stress little. The handle comes up to about my midsection, and it’s almost impossible to do anything even resembling actual cleaning. The kids get a kick out of the fat man with the little broom though, so I guess that’s good.

The majority of the day, though, I just sit in the teacher’s lounge, working on my Japanese, lesson plans, or staring off to space. I occasionally try to get people to talk to me, but it always ends in failure, even the English teachers. It seems to me that as far as the teachers are concerned, I’m just some oddity that exists in their room that occasionally does funny things and the rest of the time is to be ignored. It makes me sad, but that’s what I get for being a JET that only spends two weeks in a school. There has to be a better way to do this….

Today was more of the same, though without the ceremony and more of the sitting and staring. It gives me time to work on my Japanese, and I feel confident I learned something like 25 new Kanji in two days, which is pretty good, but I want to be doing something. I’m employed by the BOE, and for the first time in a long time, I want to give them their money’s worth. I want to work with the kids, and it just doesn’t seem like that will happen in any effective manner anytime soon… oh well, I guess there are worse things. I could be at elementary schools all the time.